The New Me

So, I've hit a point in my life where I'm truly happy. I've been eating super healthy for about three weeks and trust me, it's so hard; but soo worth it. Seeing my body change so quickly, and know I'm doing it the right way is sooo rewarding. I'm starting to really focus on what makes me happy, and doing that, rather than focusing on all the hard things in my life. Moving on from the anorexia was really hard, but I'm more than grateful I'm over it. I'm glad I went through it too,it got me into this new healthy lifestyle. I hope i will continue to stick to it and stay focused.

Balance

As of right now, i am trying to eating healthy and exercising instead of not eating and exercising like crazy. my mind is all over the place and i can't seem to find that stability. nothing seems stable in my life anymore and i can't seem to control anything. How will i ever get past this? it seems like nothings looking up. ever. i try and try and im not seeing the results i want.

Time Goes On

So since my last post and before today, I was perfectly fine. But, I hung out with that group of girls, and boom. right back to square one. i find myself trying so hard over and over to fit in with them physically. and i can't seem to find that perfection im struggling so hard to reach. Over and over i tell myself im not good enough for them and i dont look pretty enough for them. why cant these thoughts just go away. why cant i be as happy as the girl i pretend to be. im sick of the real me dying on the inside, striving for perfection while the me that everyone else sees is perfectly fine. what is up with me and this idea of perfection? why can't i just do one thing perfectly for once?

Perfection

http://afnoonaa.tumblr.com/post/55383356452/the-suffocation-of-thoughts-1

At My Lake

Sorry to all of my readers, I have been gone at my lake house for Fourth of July, and just returned today. Things have been up and down recently. I've had my good days where I eat what I want and don't feel guilty, but I also still have those days once in awhile i can't help but watch everything I eat. I hate that nothings stable anymore and I can't seem to control my emotions. I wish there was somthing I could do to just get rid of all this hurt and move on with my life. When that day comes, I will then be truely happy..

Good Start, Terrible End

I started off today really well, I really did. I ate when I was supposed to, and ate enough. But, everything went downhill. I ran into some drama with a girl and it really hurt me; so I'm back to square one. When I am upset, I can't get myself to eat anything at all. I get myself into these slumps when I'm upset and suddenly eating becomes soo much harder. I feel like no one is going through the same thing. I don't not eat because I don't like myself physically. I dont eat because I'm truly hurting on the inside and it seems to be my only release, the only thing that seems to heal what's going on. That's soo screwed up and I know that; but at the same time I can't stop. I've fallen into this dark path and can't seem to get myself out.

Weighing In

This morning I weighed myself and I am at 108lbs; which means I have lost 12lbs so far. That scares me. Last night, I was talking to a friend who also suffered from an eating disorder and I promised her I would eat. Now lets see if I can keep that promise and eat at least 1,200 calories today.

Describes Everything

Proana Websites

I went on my first "proana" website tonight. Scariest thing of my life, I cried as I read how these girls, ages 14-27, explain how they will go days with only drinking water. They also encourage me to do the same. Some of them doing this for year and years. If I continue down this path with I turn into them? Will I become obsessed with my weight until my 20s? This is not what I thought I was getting into.. This was definitely an eye-opener.

The Beggining

A few weeks ago, I stopped eating as much and completely cut out junk food. I don't know why, it was one of those things where it just happened; and before I knew it, I was tracking my calories and exercising more than ever. I didn't eat more than 1,200 calories a day, sometimes I only ate 500. Now, as I am talking in the past, this is still going on. I know I am not fat, but I still feel like i could be better, skinnier.After eating, this disgusting feeling comes over me and i can't handle it. I have been losing weight pretty fast, and now that I started, I can't seem to stop. I can't tell anyone what is truly going on, because I do not want to be judged, I want to deal with this myself. So, I figured, I am not the only one going through this and so it begins; a blog through my struggle with eating.