Good Start, Terrible End

I started off today really well, I really did. I ate when I was supposed to, and ate enough. But, everything went downhill. I ran into some drama with a girl and it really hurt me; so I'm back to square one. When I am upset, I can't get myself to eat anything at all. I get myself into these slumps when I'm upset and suddenly eating becomes soo much harder. I feel like no one is going through the same thing. I don't not eat because I don't like myself physically. I dont eat because I'm truly hurting on the inside and it seems to be my only release, the only thing that seems to heal what's going on. That's soo screwed up and I know that; but at the same time I can't stop. I've fallen into this dark path and can't seem to get myself out.

Weighing In

This morning I weighed myself and I am at 108lbs; which means I have lost 12lbs so far. That scares me. Last night, I was talking to a friend who also suffered from an eating disorder and I promised her I would eat. Now lets see if I can keep that promise and eat at least 1,200 calories today.

Describes Everything

Proana Websites

I went on my first "proana" website tonight. Scariest thing of my life, I cried as I read how these girls, ages 14-27, explain how they will go days with only drinking water. They also encourage me to do the same. Some of them doing this for year and years. If I continue down this path with I turn into them? Will I become obsessed with my weight until my 20s? This is not what I thought I was getting into.. This was definitely an eye-opener.

The Beggining

A few weeks ago, I stopped eating as much and completely cut out junk food. I don't know why, it was one of those things where it just happened; and before I knew it, I was tracking my calories and exercising more than ever. I didn't eat more than 1,200 calories a day, sometimes I only ate 500. Now, as I am talking in the past, this is still going on. I know I am not fat, but I still feel like i could be better, skinnier.After eating, this disgusting feeling comes over me and i can't handle it. I have been losing weight pretty fast, and now that I started, I can't seem to stop. I can't tell anyone what is truly going on, because I do not want to be judged, I want to deal with this myself. So, I figured, I am not the only one going through this and so it begins; a blog through my struggle with eating.